i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
