I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
