my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
