I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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