420 ftw
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
