She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
