is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
me + whiskey = a bad person
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize