drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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