my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
