The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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