Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i just had sex bonerless
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
