News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
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