We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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