remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
