If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
