Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
