Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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