Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
