Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
