I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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