I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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