Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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