Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
