i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
