i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
