I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
