i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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