I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
