Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
The feeling are messing with the penis
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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