My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
