I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
