I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
