UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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