Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
