Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
