I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
