my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize