Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
