I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
