Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
