Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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