Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
