I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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