I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
