Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
