i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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