OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
