I want you more than these girls want KFC
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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