I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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