I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
