She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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