Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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