just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Randomize
