He asked me if I "almost moaned"
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
