she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
