Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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