Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I AM VODKA MAN
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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