i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
