Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
