I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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